Left Alone to Grieve

A year ago today, my sister Janie Mata passed away. What people don't understand, especially my sisters, is how much it hurt me to see her go. The last few years, my sisters and I weren't as close as we were growing up. I guess you can attribute that to life, but regardless I still loved them. As sisters they all shared a bond that seem impenetrable and would open up only if invited. So when Janie died, they had each other to comfort and grieve with while I was left feeling alone and isolated. I have to give my wife, Robin a "huge" thank you because she was there for me through out all of this and knew my pain. And today, I feel the same as I did a year ago. They will have each other and I will only have my thoughts, pain, and tears as I remember Janie. I do cherish my memories that she and I had together. That and knowing that she is waiting for me when I get to heaven is strength to get me through today.

Mercy Me!

So - what an interesting 3 weeks this has been. My sister passed away after a year and a half of battling colon cancer. Two days prior to her passing, my mother suffers a heart attack. Then added to that the pressures of not having the financial means in which to bury my sister. Can you say, "whew!" My life seems to be on auto pilot and right now and I seem to be passing through the valley. I do take a moment to pause here and say a huge "thank you" to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ - without whom I would have already suffered a huge meltdown. I don't understand how those without hope in our Lord survive throughout all of this. What I have learned thought out all of this is that "life" goes on. Once you stop - you realize that you just have to jump right back into the race of life and hopefully you can catch up to what used to be "normal." But guess what? That "normal" that you used to know, has left and what you are now stuck with is what we now call, "the new normal." It sucks because its not what you are used to, but it does what it does best - it assimilates and you become "it." So you better get used to it. Well now I have a little bit of a set back, or as I like to refer to it as "a bump in the road." Last night, out of nowhere, I was awakened out of a deep sleep with a severe pain on the left side of my head. The pain was so strong that I woke up my wife with all of my moaning and groaning. After about an hour, I was able to go back to sleep with the help of a Vicodin. Today, I saw my physician and he ordered a cat scan of my head in order to determine if what caused my pain was anything severe - I am praying not. I call this a little bump in the road because when you walk with God - that's all that it is. GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME AND ALL THE TIME, GOD IS GOOD!

So far so good.

I am on the second part of phase one of the Atkins diet. So far so good. I believe I have lost anywhere from 5 to 7 pounds, but I'm not sure since I did not weigh myself for the first couple of days. It's been somewhat of a rocky road for me being on this diet since I love carbs, especially in the form of baked breads and desserts. I also get a little discouraged in the beginning because I want to see results right away even though I know it takes time.

I started this diet for several reasons, first I saw myself getting bigger, especially around my stomach area and it freaked me out. Of course, my wife would tell me and I didn't look like I had gained weight, but I could not only see it, but I could feel it. Second, I want to get out of the 200's. I especially want to get below or near 220 as my short term goal. I left the 220's area a long time ago and I can't seem to get back there. Yeah, 220 does not seem like a number you'd strive for, for when you reach a weight of 240 and above, it's scary to know that you're not that far off from being 250. 250!!!!!! YIKES!!!!! That to me is scary and so 220 seems better to me than 250.

So my ultimate goal is to reach 170, but for right now, my short term goal is to reach 220. So please pray and encourage me. Cause I need it.

It's a New Year - It's a New ME!

Ok, 2010 is behind me - and all that I wanted to accomplish in terms of my weight is behind me as well (literally). I was doing good. Working out, eating right, and feeling better. But like always, I slip back into my old ways of complacency and went right back to eating like a pig. I am 240 pounds and I do not like how I look. Therefore, with that being said, it's a new year and with this new year, I have a new attitude. I am laying down the gauntlet and have set my goal of loosing weight and getting healthier for the year 2011!

This year, my family and I will be taking our first family vacation together. Our destination - Disney World in Orlando Florida! I am so excited and can't wait 11 months, but I'm going to have to wait. Along with taking our trip, I set a goal that I want to be at least 50 pounds lighter by the time our vacation comes around. That's a reasonable goal and I know I can do it. I have to take it one day at a time and with Lord's help - I shall do it.

Along with losing 50 pounds by November, I also am graduating in May and I would like to be at least 20 to 25 pounds lighter.

So with my goals laid out - here's to a new year and a new me!

To God be all the glory.

Back to the Beginning

In the year 2000, I rededicated my life to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I remember that year like it was yesterday. I was so in awe of God and on fire for Him that I wanted nothing more than to know Him on such an intimate level. I searched God like my life depended on it. I was drawn to every Bible study I could find. I was in church every waking moment (so it seemed). I read my Bible everyday - morning, noon, and night. I prayed at any given moment. I wanted to breathe, eat, and live God.

My life changed and I became I completely different person. My quiet times were so intense and personal. I was in love with God! One day in Sunday School, we were in discussion and I gave my opinion on something or said something and our teacher said to me, in front of everyone that he really enjoyed having me in class. He said that I brought in a fresh breath of air because of the fire that I was on. He said, "Don't be like the rest of us, who have lost that fire." That was the scariest thing I had heard. I rushed home and got on my knees and I prayed to my Father that He would not allow that to happen to me.

10 years later and I am right where I was afraid to be. I lost my way. I took my eyes of the prize. And what I have realized is this - God did not let this happen to me - I allowed it to happen. It was my responsibility. It was my relationship to do with what I wanted. God has never left me. For the past few years, I have recognized this and my deepest desire to be back where I once was. But my biggest hurdle is me.

As I recognize this, I pray that this year will the be the start of my me going back. Going back from once I came. My prayer for 2011 is just that. That I do what I need to do to get back to my first love. Please pray for me on this journey.

Santa is but for a season, but God is forever!

This year, my wife and I decided to use a behavior modification tool with Sophie Grace, so we bought an Elf on a shelf. Basically, it's a toy elf that comes with a story explaining his purpose for the visit - to keep an eye on the children and report back to Santa on whether they've been naughty or nice. Anyway, it really works. Everynight after Sophie goes to bed, we move him to another location and when Sophie wakes up, she thinks that he magically flew to the northpole overnight and when he returned he sat in a different location. It's been fun watching her take it all in.

Well, I decided to post it on facebook and I was asked by someone if I was ok with telling Sophie that an elf was watching over her rather than God. You know, I get people's convictions, but as I once told a friend of my, "Your convictions are your own, and not mine." I told this person, that yes I was fine with it, especially if I have told her about Santa. I also mentioned that Sophie also hears the truth about God. She will always know about God and what Jesus Christ did for us on that cross because he loved us so much that he died for us.

This is a special time for Robin and I to enjoy. Sophie is now 3 and for the first time in her short life, she has been excited about Christmas and all that comes with it. Her childlike innoncence and imagination only add to our joy. To see her face light up is priceless. She loves Christmas. She loves decorating. She loves making christmas cookies with mommy. She is happy and full of joy. Why would I want to take that away from her. Why would I not allow her to have this fun, even if it is just for a season. Because before you know it, she will be grown up and this time will be gone.

Yes people. her joy should and does come from the LORD! We get that and so does she. Sophie and I pray together every morning and night. And every chance I get, I tell her about how her mommy and I prayed to Jesus for her and that He loves her so much and he sent her to us and told us to take care of her for him. All that to say, that Santa is for a season, but God is forever.

Ready, Set.....Focus!

Ok, I am 42 and in 3 months I will be turning 43. Now according to my calculations, 43 isn't considered old. Right? Well, I guess it depends on who you ask. Most recently, I have noticed that I tend to lose my focus when I encounter the slightest distraction. I'll have my mind set on a particular task and then without warning I am distracted by the slightest of things and before you know it, I have already forgotten what it was that I was on my way to doing. It sort of reminds me of the movie, "Up", when the talking dog is saying something, then all of a sudden he sees a squirrel. I had to go see my doctor because I was coming down with a sinus infection and while in his office I asked him about my problem with focusing. Well, he attributed my problems with getting older and or having too much on my mind at one time. I'm sorry, but I just don't accept that. Maybe I need a second opinion. In speaking with a classmate of mine, she was diagnosed with adult A.D.D. and her symptoms were the same as mine. So, I'm thinking I need to get the name of her physician and check him out for myself.

Yesterday, while at work, several times throughout the day I lost focus on what I set my mind to do. Finally, I decided to right things down to remind myself and it helped. I'm not so much concerned but I do know that I might need some help with this. When I told my wife about what I was experiencing, she immediately realized that she too has noticed my problem with being focused, especially when I procrastinate and end up doing things last minute.

I guess, it's true what they say, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste!"